I am a rock. I am an island

Since I decided to share a very difficult moment previously about my postpartum depression with Liam I have decided to write about another very difficult moment for me.  It was during a time when I felt very lonely, sad and confused.  I figured if only one person reads and feels comfort in knowing that they aren’t the only one that went through what I went through, then this would have done some good.  I know I wish I had had that at my moment of darkness.

Eleven months after Liam was born as the fog had begun to slowly roll away and I saw specks of sunshine I began entertaining the thought of having another child.  I always wanted two kids and to have them close together in my head was ideal.  I also thought that “if I could get this part over with” then I could actually begin to enjoy having children.  Please understand it isn’t that I was so negative about babies and pregnancy, however my first experience was not exactly a perfect scenario and I was looking forward to being a completed family and progressing from there.

Some people I am sure think it would be crazy to get pregnant so quickly after coming out of such a difficult time but quite honestly I also didn’t think I was going to get pregnant so quickly….but I did.  I was very excited and to be honest a little scared.  I had “What did I get myself into moment.”  Unfortunately unlike my pregnancy with Liam where I slept and ate all the time, the only thing I was successful in doing the first 5 months was throwing up and losing not gaining weight.  On the upside I had a lot of energy, shocking for someone who felt so ill.  With that said I cried … a lot.  But who wouldn’t if you spent most of your day hanging over a toilet or sink.  It wasn’t until I spent a day with a dear friend of mine that my husband picked up on something not being right.

I came home from my day of shopping, chatting, and even successfully eating lunch, and Will asked me how it was.  I remember looking at him and saying it was fine and then bursting into tears.  He looked at me shocked and then I blurted out, “I am sad all the time and I cry all the time.”  He looked at me and without saying a word knew we were right back where I was 5 months ago.

Well maybe not right back where I was.  With my postpartum depression I felt numb and emotionless.  This was exactly the opposite I felt horrible, sad, depressed and on top of that I felt ashamed.  This is exactly what I wanted, how dare I feel anything but happiness.  It was a two day battle between my well intentioned husband and me to get me to call the doctor.  I remember the nurse asking why I was making the appointment and in a small embarrassed voice I uttered, “I am depressed.”

I was so humiliated and I could not bring myself to look at the doctor when I explained everything I was feeling.  The only other people I even dared to share a small portion of what I was feeling were my parents and even that made me feel terrible.  Everyone around me was so excited about my pregnancy but I just cried.   When we found out that we were having a girl ( my dream was complete) I felt indifferent and that kills me now.

There are a lot of things looking back that pains me but I try to remember that this wasn’t my fault.  I did not bring it on myself and it did not dictate what kind of person I was or even what kind of mother I would be. I guess if anything it taught me a lot about how lucky I am to have the wonderful husband and family who supported me.  I am also very grateful for how I feel now and can enjoy my precious lovely children and most of all, our family is complete.

Another One Bites the Dust

I have worked at my job for eight years but as I have mentioned in past posts this year has been especially difficult.  In the past year one of the partners of the Firm whom I worked closely with left, two attorneys in my department, my sister-in-law whom I had the privilege to work with, and now my good friend, commiserating pal, gave her notice this week.  Its hard not to feel a little deserted.

I am happy for these people as they have gone to better and happier situations, however I can’t help but want to have a pity party for myself.  It was in my moment of wallowing I thought of my son.  The other day he was upset that he was not getting his way ( 8:00 AM and requesting a lollipop) and  sulked and walked away.  Besides feeling slightly guilty (As I always do.  Gotta love mommy guilt) I was also slightly annoyed with him.  Why should he get so upset and sulk over it? He should just get over it.

That’s when it hit me.  We all have our pity parties.  Big or small it doesn’t matter.  Its our moment to let ourselves feel bad over whatever it is.  If I should be entitled to have my pity party he should too.  Its funny how a three year old can be a mirror to our own lives.  Liam was just feeling sad that he was told no.  He really wanted that lollipop, and although as the song from the Rolling Stones says, “You can’t always get what you want.”  I need to remind him and myself, “But if you try sometime you will find you get what you need.”

Giving Thanks Even When It’s Hard To

Do you remember when you went school Sunday nights you would get that pit in your stomach?  Another week is about to start.  There is no running, there is no hiding, I am going to have to go to school.  That’s exactly how I feel about going to work this week.

Work has been especially tumultuous lately for me.  My son’s temper tantrums and my daughter’s marathon crying episodes pale in comparison to the knot forming, anxiety ridden, stress inducing day I am looking forward to tomorrow.  Another person quit on Friday and with her leaving not only do I lose a co-worker, a friend, but my commiserating ally.  It’s hard not feel like lone woman on an island.

I am so glad that this week is a short week.  I get out early on Wednesday and then I have a four day weekend to look forward to.  I am really excited about that and I am trying to concentrate on the date night on Wednesday with my husband, Thursday good eats at my in-laws, and then Christmas decorating on Friday.

I guess in the long run I should be very thankful.  As hard as my work days have been lately, at least I have a place to go to work to.  Sometimes its very easy to lose sight of those things when you are in the midst of hard time or a pity party.  This week I am going to try my hardest not to concentrate on what’s so wrong in my world right now but what is so right in my world right now.  To my husband, children, family, friends, and even work, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving