The Unexpected Gift

TimeWhen I decided to be a gestational carrier my main focus was helping out two amazing people in their quest to parenthood.  I never imagined that through this journey I would gain something from it other than some additional attention.

It has now been 5 months since the baby was born and in hindsight this pregnancy in many ways saved me.  I had been at my past employer for nine and half years when I went out on disability a couple of months prior to the birth.  It was not an easy time for me.  I felt poorly.  I was unable to take care of my children and the simplest things were very taxing to me.  After the baby was born, they could not get me to stop bleeding and because of this my hemoglobin count dropped to a 7.  The doctor told me average range was 12-14.  Because of this drop in my hemoglobin I was anemic.  I never realized how debilitating that could be.  I had body aches and pain, chest pain, shortness of breath, and fatigue.  About a week and half post-partum I started to feel like myself again (thanks to the iron supplements I was taking) and that is when it hit me like a bolt of lightning.

The first time I was taking a shower when I burst into tears.  Not realizing how loudly I was crying my husband came in to see what was wrong.  I looked at him and said, “I do not want to go back.”  There were no additional words needed he knew what I meant by that.  A week later he had just finished drumming and I was working at the computer.  I turned around on the chair to face him and burst into tears again, and said “I really do not want to go back.”  Without hesitation Will said I do not how we will do it, we will figure it out, but you aren’t going to go back.  He then said you better write your resignation letter.  Just the thought of that made my stomach do flip flops and caused me to feel anxious, but I sat down and wrote it.

To say I had been unhappy for some time would be an understatement and the details aren’t really important.  For some reason however, I never had the courage to do something about it.  After the baby was born something inside of me changed.  I can’t really explain it, but I will say this.  Seeing how in a split second the lives of two people changed so much, was like an epiphany to me.  These two incredible parents now had their family.  A journey for them that had many bumps in the road, but they never gave up.  Somewhere along my own journey I had silently cried defeat.  But in that moment something renewed me and gave me the sense that I needed to make some changes.

That pregnancy as a gestational carrier will always be different and special for many reasons.  However, one of the biggest reasons will always be for the first in many years I finally took a step in the right direction towards my road of happiness.  There were some sacrifices I had to make, but it has been more than worth it.  With this renewed feeling of life and love I truly believe that my future has endless possibilities and for that I will always be indebted to “Baby Wednesday”.

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