It’s funny when I started this whole process as a gestational carrier one of the things that was told to me time after time from every professional was think about all the situations that could arise and plan for them. However, just as I predicted there is no way of thinking of every possible scenario, and last week was one of those moments.
I was at the 37 week checkup and afterwards the office had a mini class for those who were coming close to being due. During the class the topic of having active labor came up and how to “work” through the pain and that is when it dawned on me. With Liam and Ava in those moments of pain I told myself in the end there would be my son or daughter in my arms, and although it surely did not make the pain any better, it did renew my sense of perseverance. I am slightly nervous now thinking about how I do not have the same motivation this time. Yes in the end there will be a baby and a beautiful new family, however what will I have? I am not trying to get something out of this, but I am slightly worried that I might feel….empty when this is all over. Does that sound horrible?
I have told my husband how important it will be for me to see the kids as soon as I can after the delivery. To have them in my arms to kiss, hold, and hug, I think it will help a lot. I have also told him that after the baby is born and everyone is excitedly buzzing around the new baby and parents, that I might need a little extra TLC. I worry now slightly that the aftermath might be a little harder than I had anticipated. It isn’t that I want another baby, it’s far from that, it’s more just knowing what I am about to go through and having the strength to do it.
Liam and Ava I believe understand that the baby is not coming home with us as this is a constant conversation that I have with them. I am so unbelievably happy that I have done this and if asked if I would do it knowing everything I know now, my answer would be yes. However, I am looking forward to going back to status quo in my home. I am also looking forward to having my body and life back.