Hypocrite. That is what I am. A person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings. After a morning of being yelled at, being told I am a mean mommy, cried at, and threatened to be hit, I yelled at both of my kids for yelling. Well if that is not the anti-message, I do not know what is.
Sure I could make a lot of excuses of why I am burnt out and they are all valid ones, but what kind of message am I sending to my children to not yell, as I yell at them for yelling? Granted they both looked stunned at me and quieted down, but I feel really ashamed of myself. They are both in their rooms sleeping or quietly quaking and I feel horrible.
Liam and Ava recently have been having a hard time listening and many times I feel like they are not made to do so. It is true that the path of least resistance works, but it cannot be done for every occasion. In the last 24 hours I have repeated myself giving the same instructions over and over again. Granted that partly comes with the territory of little children behavior, but it has gone too far as evidence of my own temper tantrum with the children. Why is it that my yelling got exactly what I wanted, but now I feel horrible?
Sometimes I feel like I am really failing at this parent job. I question my ability, my strength, and my effectiveness. I am sure all parents have those moments and I am not the only one to feel this way, however I am worn out. I just wish there could be one day, just one day with no battles, no arguing, and no negotiating, just “Yes mommy”.
Its 12:15 right now and the kids will probably get up in an hour from nap. I would like to erase this whole morning, however I cannot. I need to reset and so do they. Together we will figure this out. If nothing else maybe instead of my next entry being entitled “Hypocrite”, it will be “The Art of Patience.” Now that is something worth writing about.