Since I decided to share a very difficult moment previously about my postpartum depression with Liam I have decided to write about another very difficult moment for me. It was during a time when I felt very lonely, sad and confused. I figured if only one person reads and feels comfort in knowing that they aren’t the only one that went through what I went through, then this would have done some good. I know I wish I had had that at my moment of darkness.
Eleven months after Liam was born as the fog had begun to slowly roll away and I saw specks of sunshine I began entertaining the thought of having another child. I always wanted two kids and to have them close together in my head was ideal. I also thought that “if I could get this part over with” then I could actually begin to enjoy having children. Please understand it isn’t that I was so negative about babies and pregnancy, however my first experience was not exactly a perfect scenario and I was looking forward to being a completed family and progressing from there.
Some people I am sure think it would be crazy to get pregnant so quickly after coming out of such a difficult time but quite honestly I also didn’t think I was going to get pregnant so quickly….but I did. I was very excited and to be honest a little scared. I had “What did I get myself into moment.” Unfortunately unlike my pregnancy with Liam where I slept and ate all the time, the only thing I was successful in doing the first 5 months was throwing up and losing not gaining weight. On the upside I had a lot of energy, shocking for someone who felt so ill. With that said I cried … a lot. But who wouldn’t if you spent most of your day hanging over a toilet or sink. It wasn’t until I spent a day with a dear friend of mine that my husband picked up on something not being right.
I came home from my day of shopping, chatting, and even successfully eating lunch, and Will asked me how it was. I remember looking at him and saying it was fine and then bursting into tears. He looked at me shocked and then I blurted out, “I am sad all the time and I cry all the time.” He looked at me and without saying a word knew we were right back where I was 5 months ago.
Well maybe not right back where I was. With my postpartum depression I felt numb and emotionless. This was exactly the opposite I felt horrible, sad, depressed and on top of that I felt ashamed. This is exactly what I wanted, how dare I feel anything but happiness. It was a two day battle between my well intentioned husband and me to get me to call the doctor. I remember the nurse asking why I was making the appointment and in a small embarrassed voice I uttered, “I am depressed.”
I was so humiliated and I could not bring myself to look at the doctor when I explained everything I was feeling. The only other people I even dared to share a small portion of what I was feeling were my parents and even that made me feel terrible. Everyone around me was so excited about my pregnancy but I just cried. When we found out that we were having a girl ( my dream was complete) I felt indifferent and that kills me now.
There are a lot of things looking back that pains me but I try to remember that this wasn’t my fault. I did not bring it on myself and it did not dictate what kind of person I was or even what kind of mother I would be. I guess if anything it taught me a lot about how lucky I am to have the wonderful husband and family who supported me. I am also very grateful for how I feel now and can enjoy my precious lovely children and most of all, our family is complete.
One thought on “I am a rock. I am an island”
Why are we so hard on ourselves? If your friend was suffering like you did, Margot, you would be the first one to suggest professional help. I am so happy you did take that step. You should be so proud of yourself for not only doing that but also for sharing your story in order to help others. You are amazing!